‘My husband hasn’t given a kobo for housekeeping for 15 years’

Dear Njigirl,
I read one of your articles, where you responded to a lady who told you that her husband was not paying any bills in the home. That really touched me because that is my own issue.
I have been married to my husband for more than 15 years and I have been the breadwinner since that time. He works but according to his mother, his money is to take care of her and my money is to care of the house and the children. It really sounds odd but she has controlled us for 15 years and I am very tired of the situation.
I knew it was not normal for me to be a woman and at the same time be a man yet I get no respect. What should I do Njigirl? My children are still young and I am looking so old due to working so many double shifts. Please help me.
■ Fidelia

Dear Fidelia,
It sounds like you have three big problems in your household, which can potentially explode into a real crisis. First, your mother-in-law’s interference is totally unacceptable. Secondly, your financial responsibility is burdensome and can become a catalyst for a major breakdown of your relationship. Thirdly, your husband’s inability to correct his mother on these absurd assertions and fourthly his refusal to contribute to the household are both recipes for major marriage disasters.
I feel bad for you already my dear. I have never understood why women are mean to other women. In this case your mother-in-law is being selfish and wicked, plain and simple. Why does she have the need to control her son’s home? What about her own spouse? Is he still living? Does she have other children or is your husband an only son? How long has she been interfering in this way? Does she reside with you? So what does your husband say in these matters? It is obvious that he buys into the talk about his money being meant for him and his mother hence he doesn’t contribute to your household. It is a shame. It appears that your husband has become one of the growing numbers of men who do not take their role seriously. These men do not honour culture or traditions and in fact they defy it completely. To them, “if the pant fits you, go ahead and wear it” regardless of your gender.
You can become easily burnt out and I sense you are at your worst right about now. It is painful for one partner to carry the entire burden associated with bill paying and running of the home while the other one does absolutely nothing. Have you tried to enroll your husband in counseling? Is he amenable towards this idea? You know this is called emotional and financial abuse. You also need to find help through a domestic violence counselor. Abandoning your home is not the best solution to the problem but where else could you go? Do you have any relatives near your home? Before you consider moving you must engage him in conversation and dialogue. Lay down what you can do comfortably and ask him to also state what he will be comfortable doing. Let him understand that it is imperative that he begins to act as a breadwinner and head of household. Encourage him to seek counseling and then muster the courage to ask his mother to leave you guys alone. He is not a baby and ought to act like an adult. Prepare a chart of all the bills and the amount meant for each bill. State the ones that you can pay without being subjected to overtime hours and let him take on the rest. Take this chart to the counselor to use towards the treatment goals.
Good luck.

■ Dr. NJ

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